All of this…and more, when your pregnancy doesn’t go as planned, when your baby doesn’t survive birth. You’re right, I nodded along to all you’ve written, though I can only relate to the parts of it I got to walk myself. The rest, I can only imagine. Postpartum after stillbirth left me bleeding, leaking, grieving both the loss of myself & my child. Motherhood for me looks like all of this, plus the heavy, constant invisibility of my parenthood. Posting for other loss moms like me 🤍 we ride all this too, largely in silence.
I just wanna let you know that you’re not alone. My first baby was stillborn in 2023 6 months pregnant. I had to give birth and have a funeral. I talked about it pretty openly on my Instagram in 2023. I’ll definitely be doing some essays for the women who have had pregnancy losses bc that is a really devastating experience. And it feels like you’re so alone.
Thank you for sharing 🤍 & I am so sorry that you know this side of parenthood, too. My daughter was also stillborn in 2023 — she died while I was in labour, 3 days before her due date.
One of the paradoxes of baby loss is that I know I’m not alone, but often wish I was because I don’t want anyone else to have to live with this. I do work in advocacy now. It is hard to continually throw myself into the trenches of that grief. Re-reading what I wrote in response…I should never assume someone doesn’t share some version of my experience. I hope it didn’t come across that way, though I’m almost certain it did.
I would love to read your writing on loss — though you don’t owe anyone that & I know all too well the renewed grief and heavy emotional labour that comes with writing in that space. Take care 🤍
Thanks for sharing your experiences, I’m sorry there are so many of us. My first child also died in labour in 2023, days before her due date. That transformation through birth and postpartum, into a life of grieving your baby is so insanely disorienting. It adds to the hardness when your motherhood isn’t visible, but you’ve still gone through the emotional and physical transformation of becoming a parent. I see a comment like this and I feel included and represented even though I’ve since had another baby.
Omg. Thank you for the phrase “full body identity death and rebirth.” I couldn’t wrap my head around what happened. It felt like whiplash. And why tf didn’t anyone warn us about this. I’m still shook!!
I could not agree with this more. I WISH someone had shaken me and told me what could go wrong. The financial piece is so huge. I thought I would be able to lean on the systems/institutions we have here in America, but after two years, I still don't even have a child support order and have paid $40k+ in childcare costs. My life turned upside down overnight, while my daughter's father hasn't faced a single consequence. There is no monetary value comparable to the love I have for my daughter, but my life is no longer mine anymore. She comes first, always. I had to say goodbye to the person I was before I became a mother, and I'm slowly starting to accept the new me. You are such an inspiration, Maddie - thank you for sharing your experience, the beauty AND the grit!
I can’t even tell you how much I understand your situation. And how much other women/mothers are going through the same thing. You are NOT alone!!!! Ugh I have tears reading this because I relate and know how painful this is. We, mothers, have to get loud. We have to push for change. Together. Because if we don’t, no one else will, because society benefits from the silence of mothers.
Absolutely! I’m currently drafting a complaint letter to the director of child support in my county, and I will escalate it to the state and federal level if no action is taken. What’s so horrifying to me is, I have a clinical master’s degree and have the privilege to be able to consult with attorneys, take time off work, research legal information, etc - what about all of the single moms in this country who don’t have the financial resources, limited English skills, mental/physical bandwidth for this nonsense?! The system is set up for us to fail. They hope we will give up. And in the meantime, our elected officials have the nerve to talk about how and when women should have children, with zero discussion of the men who co-create them. Let me take a breath, lol 😮💨😮💨
Wait, I need to hear everything about what you’re doing because this sounds iconic. You sound iconic. There’s nothing that makes me happier than a woman who has been through hell, but she knows that there’s other women that are going through a worse version of that hell, so she does something to try to help the collective. (Also I can totally relate to everything else you said and later in my Substack journey I’ll talk more specifically about how my postpartum has really been. Throughout the horrible experience I’ve been weirdly lucky (if you can even call it that) and I’m so grateful but it feels really sticky because there’s so many women that haven’t been this lucky.)
I am new to Substack and stumbled upon your comment to the post! I had to respond! Ugh! I can so relate to this. I, too, had a pretty comfy life financially BC (before chaos, before child, before con artist--take your pick). I learned pretty quickly that some people are just not meant to parent. The good parts of him were just needed.
Despite the lack of financial support from an unpresent father, I grew an exceptional, brilliant human who is heading off with a full ride to an honors college. Graduation was the acknowledgment of the fruits of all my labor, sacrifice, and loss of my former free spirited, fun self. If it weren't for the village, I don't know where I'd be.
Meanwhile, after 18 years, I'm still getting summoned to participate in appeal hearings to modify child support that I’ve rarely received. 🤦🏽♀️ He actually refused to do the right thing and wants me to drop the order. Rather than drop the order, I'd rather he spend the rest of his years, hiding and knowing that his money may be snatched.
As I prepare to be an emptynester, I hope that my son will get to know a version of me that is happy, soft, and not in survival mode. Just stopped by to say be encouraged mama and keep on keepin on! You are stronger than you know and Grace will carry you through!❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s very comforting to know that it’s possible to come out of this chaos with a healthy, well-adjusted child. I don’t know you at all, but I’m proud of you, because I know you were in the trenches trying to give your son the best life possible, alone! My daughter is almost 3, and for the first year I would just weep and weep daily, at work, at home, in public, everywhere. I remember my coworker said “you’re like a lotus flower, stuck in the mud, but one day you’re going to bloom and leave this behind you.” I think about that all the time. Motherhood makes us the strongest, bravest, most resilient versions of ourselves. Thank you again for your comment - I wish you and your son the best in this new chapter ❤️
This resonates with me so much. As a mother of 3 boys and going through a divorce I wish I knew so many of the things that you discuss in this essay. I try to pay it forward and warn the younger mothers I meet in the kindest way I can think of. I’m a lawyer and being a full time lawyer and mom, like I’m sure with a multitude of other career paths it’s virtually impossible. One thing I absolutely didn’t know that has rocked my world and everything I thought I knew to be true was how my choice in partner will haunt me for the rest of my life. If you think raising children on your own is hard, it’s even harder with the wrong partner.
Oh Gabby!!! I totally relate. Like 100000%. I know you CAN do it. Just like I CAN figure it out and carry the world on my shoulders. But I am sad for us that we have to. I am sending you a huge virtual hug and I hope you know myself and so many women share your story. 🫂
The worst thing is having expectations and thinking that there's someone who could help you, who also has responsibility, but doesn't. Doing it all by yourself is doable if you know you have to.
I just read this aloud to my mother and she said this is one of the best things she’s ever heard about this topic. She would add motherhood gives you clarity to know what to prioritize in life! No question - your kid is the priority!
From a mother and grandmother. Totally true. Some additional points. My mother had 4 kids in her 20s. My 2 daughters established their careers and had kids in their late thirties 30s. Childbearing is tough in an older body.
After having g my first child at age 32, I felt like I could do anything.
That old saying “ is he husband/ father material?” Is totally true. My grandmother used to talk about “what kind of stock “ someone came from. As if we were cattle.
Then there’s sex afterward. You wanna put that thing where!!?
And here’s the weird thing. With the passage of lots of time, the bad times fade in your memory. Maybe that’s how nature ensures we human women keep the species going!!
This was a spectacular piece. I’m 11 weeks postpartum. I had a shocking emergency C after a 23 hour labour under general anaesthetic. Then a PPH and then several weeks later the excruciating pain in one of my legs turned out to be a blood clot and now something is wrong with my liver. Honestly so shocked at how hard pregnancy and postpartum has been on my body and pregnancy was HARD. I had HG and then the most fucked up pelvic pain I couldn’t walk at the end or even turn over in bed without intense pubic bone pain. Felt worse than my C section recovery.
And then the breastfeeding - omg. Why did I think it was going to be like I was sitting in a field surrounded by butterflies and bunnies. It was brutal learning to breastfeed and the feelings of failure when I have to top up with formula. It was crushing. I told my psychiatrist I looked in the mirror and felt like I was looking at a ghost. I didn’t recognise myself and after reading your essay I’m thinking it’s because I’ve met a whole new me but haven’t had a chance to just sit with her and ask her how she is and what she needs. I am feeling a bit better each day thankfully.
What a wild ride. I love my son so much and I’m shook and how much I went through to get him here.
Really looking forward to reading more of your work 🩷
I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult journey, but I hope you know that you’re not alone. Every single woman who has created a child has gone through their own war story…. I feel that these stories are so sacred — they need to be told and shared and celebrated and cried over. Sending you so much love support and safety!
This is so powerful and I’m SO grateful to you for writing it! As long as I can remember I’ve said I don’t want kids, but hearing you really make your emotional experience clear is something I wish was more openly talked about because I’ve only seen motherhood from the outside and thought ‘that looks so insanely hard’ but it’s not something people truly talk about.
Thank you so much for sharing all this. Choose ur partner wisely! Yess!
Cause u’ll have him forever..
How and when does his day start?Does he have hobbies, is he an active person? How does he eat, is he someone who could adapt/adjust easily? All this will matter once u have a little half him, half you.. ‚don’t marry potential, marry the reality‘ ( best quote ) there is so much more, unfortunately.
One of the biggest lesson I learnt is, have that conversation. Set clearity before entering motherhood because afterwards everything is blurry.
It felt like reading my brain’s transcript. Hard relate. 10 months into motherhood and I finally feel whole. Like I’ve found my footing. And can I just add to this truth-tale, you don’t necessarily feel connected to your child or how they paint us all to be maternal from the moment your child is born, IT TAKES TIME. And it’s absolutely alright. Took me 9 months postpartum. Don’t forget you’re a person too. You exist beyond motherhood. Prioritise yourself. Find little things that make you happy, indulge - don’t judge.
Wow this was incredible! I share a lot of the same sentiments and related to a ton of what you wrote. My partner definitely made things harder and I definitely grieved the person I was.
I have actually had the opposite experience in terms of what I heard from others. No one told me how great having a kid is, I only ever heard how hard it is and therefore I never wanted to do it. My story is about those who never planned for it but went through it anyway, somehow.
Actually I can relate to this a little bit. I didn’t realise how awesome it would be to be a mom :) I don’t mean to take away from the amazing mess of motherhood but I feel like that’s all that I was ever told — congratulations! It’s gonna be amazing! — and of course a child is amazing no one can question that!! But there’s so many things about motherhood that has nothing to do with your child that is absolutely horrible 🥲
Yeah, I grew up with a mom who never let me forget how horrible being a mom is. I have a less than balanced perspective.
But wow, the main thing is, what you said about how life, especially in the US is just NOT made for moms. I feel and struggle with that every single damn day. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I cannot comprehend how there can be so many moms with the same struggles and it feels vastly important to get this right and yet it also feels like no one’s working on it. They just expect us to become Neo and bend in inhuman ways to fit everything and everyone else!
All of this…and more, when your pregnancy doesn’t go as planned, when your baby doesn’t survive birth. You’re right, I nodded along to all you’ve written, though I can only relate to the parts of it I got to walk myself. The rest, I can only imagine. Postpartum after stillbirth left me bleeding, leaking, grieving both the loss of myself & my child. Motherhood for me looks like all of this, plus the heavy, constant invisibility of my parenthood. Posting for other loss moms like me 🤍 we ride all this too, largely in silence.
I just wanna let you know that you’re not alone. My first baby was stillborn in 2023 6 months pregnant. I had to give birth and have a funeral. I talked about it pretty openly on my Instagram in 2023. I’ll definitely be doing some essays for the women who have had pregnancy losses bc that is a really devastating experience. And it feels like you’re so alone.
Thank you for sharing 🤍 & I am so sorry that you know this side of parenthood, too. My daughter was also stillborn in 2023 — she died while I was in labour, 3 days before her due date.
One of the paradoxes of baby loss is that I know I’m not alone, but often wish I was because I don’t want anyone else to have to live with this. I do work in advocacy now. It is hard to continually throw myself into the trenches of that grief. Re-reading what I wrote in response…I should never assume someone doesn’t share some version of my experience. I hope it didn’t come across that way, though I’m almost certain it did.
I would love to read your writing on loss — though you don’t owe anyone that & I know all too well the renewed grief and heavy emotional labour that comes with writing in that space. Take care 🤍
Thanks for sharing your experiences, I’m sorry there are so many of us. My first child also died in labour in 2023, days before her due date. That transformation through birth and postpartum, into a life of grieving your baby is so insanely disorienting. It adds to the hardness when your motherhood isn’t visible, but you’ve still gone through the emotional and physical transformation of becoming a parent. I see a comment like this and I feel included and represented even though I’ve since had another baby.
Sending you both so much love. ❤️
Omg. Thank you for the phrase “full body identity death and rebirth.” I couldn’t wrap my head around what happened. It felt like whiplash. And why tf didn’t anyone warn us about this. I’m still shook!!
Same. I am SHOOK! I feel violated lol.
I could not agree with this more. I WISH someone had shaken me and told me what could go wrong. The financial piece is so huge. I thought I would be able to lean on the systems/institutions we have here in America, but after two years, I still don't even have a child support order and have paid $40k+ in childcare costs. My life turned upside down overnight, while my daughter's father hasn't faced a single consequence. There is no monetary value comparable to the love I have for my daughter, but my life is no longer mine anymore. She comes first, always. I had to say goodbye to the person I was before I became a mother, and I'm slowly starting to accept the new me. You are such an inspiration, Maddie - thank you for sharing your experience, the beauty AND the grit!
I can’t even tell you how much I understand your situation. And how much other women/mothers are going through the same thing. You are NOT alone!!!! Ugh I have tears reading this because I relate and know how painful this is. We, mothers, have to get loud. We have to push for change. Together. Because if we don’t, no one else will, because society benefits from the silence of mothers.
Absolutely! I’m currently drafting a complaint letter to the director of child support in my county, and I will escalate it to the state and federal level if no action is taken. What’s so horrifying to me is, I have a clinical master’s degree and have the privilege to be able to consult with attorneys, take time off work, research legal information, etc - what about all of the single moms in this country who don’t have the financial resources, limited English skills, mental/physical bandwidth for this nonsense?! The system is set up for us to fail. They hope we will give up. And in the meantime, our elected officials have the nerve to talk about how and when women should have children, with zero discussion of the men who co-create them. Let me take a breath, lol 😮💨😮💨
Wait, I need to hear everything about what you’re doing because this sounds iconic. You sound iconic. There’s nothing that makes me happier than a woman who has been through hell, but she knows that there’s other women that are going through a worse version of that hell, so she does something to try to help the collective. (Also I can totally relate to everything else you said and later in my Substack journey I’ll talk more specifically about how my postpartum has really been. Throughout the horrible experience I’ve been weirdly lucky (if you can even call it that) and I’m so grateful but it feels really sticky because there’s so many women that haven’t been this lucky.)
I am new to Substack and stumbled upon your comment to the post! I had to respond! Ugh! I can so relate to this. I, too, had a pretty comfy life financially BC (before chaos, before child, before con artist--take your pick). I learned pretty quickly that some people are just not meant to parent. The good parts of him were just needed.
Despite the lack of financial support from an unpresent father, I grew an exceptional, brilliant human who is heading off with a full ride to an honors college. Graduation was the acknowledgment of the fruits of all my labor, sacrifice, and loss of my former free spirited, fun self. If it weren't for the village, I don't know where I'd be.
Meanwhile, after 18 years, I'm still getting summoned to participate in appeal hearings to modify child support that I’ve rarely received. 🤦🏽♀️ He actually refused to do the right thing and wants me to drop the order. Rather than drop the order, I'd rather he spend the rest of his years, hiding and knowing that his money may be snatched.
As I prepare to be an emptynester, I hope that my son will get to know a version of me that is happy, soft, and not in survival mode. Just stopped by to say be encouraged mama and keep on keepin on! You are stronger than you know and Grace will carry you through!❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s very comforting to know that it’s possible to come out of this chaos with a healthy, well-adjusted child. I don’t know you at all, but I’m proud of you, because I know you were in the trenches trying to give your son the best life possible, alone! My daughter is almost 3, and for the first year I would just weep and weep daily, at work, at home, in public, everywhere. I remember my coworker said “you’re like a lotus flower, stuck in the mud, but one day you’re going to bloom and leave this behind you.” I think about that all the time. Motherhood makes us the strongest, bravest, most resilient versions of ourselves. Thank you again for your comment - I wish you and your son the best in this new chapter ❤️
Thank you! Love that lotus flower analogy!
This resonates with me so much. As a mother of 3 boys and going through a divorce I wish I knew so many of the things that you discuss in this essay. I try to pay it forward and warn the younger mothers I meet in the kindest way I can think of. I’m a lawyer and being a full time lawyer and mom, like I’m sure with a multitude of other career paths it’s virtually impossible. One thing I absolutely didn’t know that has rocked my world and everything I thought I knew to be true was how my choice in partner will haunt me for the rest of my life. If you think raising children on your own is hard, it’s even harder with the wrong partner.
Oh Gabby!!! I totally relate. Like 100000%. I know you CAN do it. Just like I CAN figure it out and carry the world on my shoulders. But I am sad for us that we have to. I am sending you a huge virtual hug and I hope you know myself and so many women share your story. 🫂
The worst thing is having expectations and thinking that there's someone who could help you, who also has responsibility, but doesn't. Doing it all by yourself is doable if you know you have to.
This is excellent.
Let go should kick in well before the birth - especially to anyone who tells you that childbirth is "natural" or that "breast feeding is easy".
And you're allowed to punch anyone who says - "but women give birth in fields and then keep on working." Guaranteed someone will say this.
I just read this aloud to my mother and she said this is one of the best things she’s ever heard about this topic. She would add motherhood gives you clarity to know what to prioritize in life! No question - your kid is the priority!
also, having children gives you a purpose - you won't wallow in self-pity when you have to show up for you baby
From a mother and grandmother. Totally true. Some additional points. My mother had 4 kids in her 20s. My 2 daughters established their careers and had kids in their late thirties 30s. Childbearing is tough in an older body.
After having g my first child at age 32, I felt like I could do anything.
That old saying “ is he husband/ father material?” Is totally true. My grandmother used to talk about “what kind of stock “ someone came from. As if we were cattle.
Then there’s sex afterward. You wanna put that thing where!!?
And here’s the weird thing. With the passage of lots of time, the bad times fade in your memory. Maybe that’s how nature ensures we human women keep the species going!!
Thank you so much for this insight! You are spot on! & I totally agree that sex is so weird after. I’m gonna totally write about it soon…. 🥲🫣
I literally cried reading this 🥲 & i'm even a second-time mom who just gave birth 2 weeks ago 😮💨
Wishing you so much love and support!!!! 💓🫂
This was a spectacular piece. I’m 11 weeks postpartum. I had a shocking emergency C after a 23 hour labour under general anaesthetic. Then a PPH and then several weeks later the excruciating pain in one of my legs turned out to be a blood clot and now something is wrong with my liver. Honestly so shocked at how hard pregnancy and postpartum has been on my body and pregnancy was HARD. I had HG and then the most fucked up pelvic pain I couldn’t walk at the end or even turn over in bed without intense pubic bone pain. Felt worse than my C section recovery.
And then the breastfeeding - omg. Why did I think it was going to be like I was sitting in a field surrounded by butterflies and bunnies. It was brutal learning to breastfeed and the feelings of failure when I have to top up with formula. It was crushing. I told my psychiatrist I looked in the mirror and felt like I was looking at a ghost. I didn’t recognise myself and after reading your essay I’m thinking it’s because I’ve met a whole new me but haven’t had a chance to just sit with her and ask her how she is and what she needs. I am feeling a bit better each day thankfully.
What a wild ride. I love my son so much and I’m shook and how much I went through to get him here.
Really looking forward to reading more of your work 🩷
I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult journey, but I hope you know that you’re not alone. Every single woman who has created a child has gone through their own war story…. I feel that these stories are so sacred — they need to be told and shared and celebrated and cried over. Sending you so much love support and safety!
Not a mom but loved and appreciated this post! 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Same. Such an important topic to receive beautifully honest transparency on. Thank you.
💕🫂 thank you!!!
This is so powerful and I’m SO grateful to you for writing it! As long as I can remember I’ve said I don’t want kids, but hearing you really make your emotional experience clear is something I wish was more openly talked about because I’ve only seen motherhood from the outside and thought ‘that looks so insanely hard’ but it’s not something people truly talk about.
Thank you so much for sharing all this. Choose ur partner wisely! Yess!
Cause u’ll have him forever..
How and when does his day start?Does he have hobbies, is he an active person? How does he eat, is he someone who could adapt/adjust easily? All this will matter once u have a little half him, half you.. ‚don’t marry potential, marry the reality‘ ( best quote ) there is so much more, unfortunately.
One of the biggest lesson I learnt is, have that conversation. Set clearity before entering motherhood because afterwards everything is blurry.
💯
I fucking love you for this. That’s all 🩷
Very real shit.
🥲 hoping it’s different for future moms
Yes 🥲
It felt like reading my brain’s transcript. Hard relate. 10 months into motherhood and I finally feel whole. Like I’ve found my footing. And can I just add to this truth-tale, you don’t necessarily feel connected to your child or how they paint us all to be maternal from the moment your child is born, IT TAKES TIME. And it’s absolutely alright. Took me 9 months postpartum. Don’t forget you’re a person too. You exist beyond motherhood. Prioritise yourself. Find little things that make you happy, indulge - don’t judge.
Remember, only a full glass can fill other’s cup.
I hope you find happiness 🫶
100000%!!!!! 🫂
Wow this was incredible! I share a lot of the same sentiments and related to a ton of what you wrote. My partner definitely made things harder and I definitely grieved the person I was.
I have actually had the opposite experience in terms of what I heard from others. No one told me how great having a kid is, I only ever heard how hard it is and therefore I never wanted to do it. My story is about those who never planned for it but went through it anyway, somehow.
I’m so sorry, that is not a child’s burden to carry.
I know!!!! Clearly no moms were on the room when they were building all the systems and structures 🫣
Actually I can relate to this a little bit. I didn’t realise how awesome it would be to be a mom :) I don’t mean to take away from the amazing mess of motherhood but I feel like that’s all that I was ever told — congratulations! It’s gonna be amazing! — and of course a child is amazing no one can question that!! But there’s so many things about motherhood that has nothing to do with your child that is absolutely horrible 🥲
Yeah, I grew up with a mom who never let me forget how horrible being a mom is. I have a less than balanced perspective.
But wow, the main thing is, what you said about how life, especially in the US is just NOT made for moms. I feel and struggle with that every single damn day. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I cannot comprehend how there can be so many moms with the same struggles and it feels vastly important to get this right and yet it also feels like no one’s working on it. They just expect us to become Neo and bend in inhuman ways to fit everything and everyone else!